Lucky Pants

When Major ‘Sunday’ Buckley, a Royal Air Force hotshot dog fighter heard the wail of the air-raid siren that chilly morning in Tangmere, in April 1945, he had no idea of the impact on history he was about to make. Because what happened next would bring the fearless-but-sexy flying ace Fräulein Yonger Farthark to her knees, stop the bombing of the south coast’s ‘totally reasonable priced pubs’ and totally put an end to any speculation about the ‘that’ design on Buckley’s lucky underpants.

Sunday 11th April, 1945. 9.45am

Startled by the blasting sound of the overly excited air-raid siren, Buckley automatically pounced from his pit, donned his flight suit and reached for his beefy yellow dog goggles before dashing for the bunker door, when he suddenly realised he had forgot to put on his lucky pants. With no time to change he made the decision to quickly slip them over the ‘top’ of his flight suit! Exiting from the bunker, he could see his plane, the mighty Brewster F2F Bottom Blower Mk2, waiting menacingly on the runway.

It wasn’t long before Buckley found himself yet again needlessly patrolling the skies over West Sussex with wing dogs and brothers Bernie and Hoagie, when over the radio came, “Hilariously not funny anymore guys…” Bernie radioed in to the RAF top brass at Tangmere, who were all rolling around laughing, drinking tea and eating biscuits, “Just you wait…” Hoagie added – when out of nowhere came a thunderous roar, “IT’S THE FEARLESS KITTY GODDESS, FRÄULEIN YONGER FARTHARK!” Hoagie shouted, “HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S HER?” Bernie replied, “THE BRIGHT PINK D MESS-WITH-DAS-KITTY 261 FIGHTER PLANE!” All three shouted simultaneously.

Yonger Farthark had a furious reputation back at RAF Tangmere HQ for her ‘take no prisoners’, ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ attitude. She was as beautiful as she was dangerous, and her picture was hung adoringly from every flying dog’s locker all over the country.
The clouds quickly dispersed in front of Buckley as Fräulein Yonger’s plane zoomed up, dispensing a barrage of hot lead which tore through the tough exterior of his aircraft into the cockpit, damaging the controls, wounding his paw, bruising his ego and – most annoyingly – switching radio stations from Swing FM to Cute Melodies FM. The fuselage was also on fire, which seemed of little importance compared to the music. This was clearly a fight to the death, and Buckley had just been dealt a firm elbow in the side of his confidence and he felt the fight drain from his portly body fast!

With deadly flames pouring out of his Bottom Blower Mk2, Buckley prepared to bail. But just as he did so, he spotted Yonger the Pink Kitty dead ahead. “THIS IS IT – IT’S THE END,” he said to himself.

Despite his plane being on fire and fanatically spinning out of control, the music and the poorly paw, Buckley saw his chance and put aside his fear, reached for the gun controls and let rip! Straight into the hot femme fatale-ity flying ace’s pink plane. “Yes, direct hit!” shouted Buckley. She was going down – and going down fast!

Although Buckley felt the stiflingly intense heat of his cockpit, it was the whirly control dials and the music that sent him over the edge. Deciding enough is enough it was time to abandon ship and bail – though not before giving the Kitty one last volley of gunfire which, unlike last time, totally missed the mark. He struggled free of the blazing cockpit and tumbled out into the sky, pulled his parachute cord and breathed. It was over. “Thank cricket I remembered to wear my lucky pants!”

Watching the action from the safety of Chichester Cathedral below was a nice couple called Wayne and Pippa, who were just starting to talk to each other after a rather silly argument about ‘church pews’. They saw the whole battle from start to finish and were in complete awe of Buckley’s bravery, but weren’t too impressed when he got caught up in the trees in the Bishop’s garden! Buckley went on to lose all their respect when he lost his footing and dropped out of the tree onto the Bishop’s well-manicured hedgerow, exposing his pink love-heart patterned lucky pants – not RAF regulation at all!

Sitting a little red-faced on the hedge of one now very angry Bishop, Buckley realised it was all over and let out a little bottom wind of relief, surprisingly followed by a childish giggle. He had won, and was mightily chuffed when suddenly – and yet again, out of nowhere – his arch-enemy Yonger appeared, also slightly red-faced and a little nervous. She approached Buckley slowly and said, “It’s zeally cool zee way you vare your little pinkz love-heart pants on zee outside and not zee inside, we should totally go on zee date!” She offered a paw to help him out of the Bishop’s hedge. Which was just as well because the Bishop was rummaging around in his garden shed for something to shoo both of them away with.