OFF DUTY CAPERS

In a shocking new video, high-flying lady window waver Superman’s alter ego Clark Kent talks to his (now) Justice League bestie Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, about the HIS BIZARRE LOVE OF CARAVANNING – AND ALMOST CAUSES A GLOBAL SUPERHERO MELTDOWN IN THE PROCESS.

The down-to-earth side to mild-mannered Clark Kent’s lifestyle emerged during a recording of a conversation – leaked by an anonymous source at glossy lifestyle rag OutyPants’n’Proud – that took place at the headquarters of that most secretive of secret squirrel crime-fighting outfits, the Justice League!, during which Bruce Wayne asked his fellow superhero about hobbies outside ‘work’.

But billionaire bat-lover Bruce’s jaw can be seen quickly turning from chiselled to slack as Superman excitedly replied, “Caravanning around the south coast of England in my tiny vintage ‘home from home’.”

SECRET PASSION

In fact Clark was so enthusiastic about his hitherto secret passion that he struggled during the early morning interview to stop talking about the love of his life – no, not Lois Lane, but a classic 1976 Viking Fibreline caravan – and revealed along the way such intimate titbits as, “Its fiberglass shell stops snooping Kryptonian sun-seekers peering through the walls and seeing me in my undies!” and “I also never feel the need for a toilet, so not having one is just fine and dandy!”

Lunchtime came and went during the interview but Superman just couldn’t stop extolling the virtues of life aboard a caravan. “An oven? I don’t need it. I don’t eat, Bruce – come on, you know that!” he explained, before adding, “That’s unless guests have popped over for afternoon tea and cake, of course.”

TIGHTS IN TATTERS

But as teatime approached Bruce ensured the interview took a DARKER turn, asking Clark about the NEGATIVES of his hobby. “My cape keeps getting trapped in the various nooks and crannies – that can get really annoying,” Clark revealed, “and my tights ladder easily on all the sharp corners inside the caravan.”

Bruce PRESSED HIS SUPERHERO COLLEAGUE FOR MORE DETAILS, and Superman, now slightly rattled, continued. “Err… well, Bruce, after a hard day’s crime-fighting I like to come home and unwind with domestic chores – doing the dishes, making the bed, taking the rubbish out and so on – but I’m so scared of knocking stuff over with my cape every time I turn around. Now that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

NO APPRECIATION

But admitting this caused CLARK’S LEFT EYE TO TWITCH NERVOUSLY, leading Bruce – fearful of the PR fall-out for all MEN IN TIGHTS if news of these caravanning exploits ever leaked out – to slyly don his bat suit in case the Man of Steel should break down and reveal too much to the outside world.

“It’s not just the constant fear of knocking stuff over, Bruce,” Mr Kent continued. “It’s also my guests laughing at my cherished collection of framed Daily Planet articles. It’s the kids playing with my dad’s knowledge crystals, or my fine collection of travel trinkets going walkies. Sometimes, Bruce, I think mankind just doesn’t appreciate me.”

Clark then appeared to notice the interviewer’s change in demeanour – and in his attire. “I hadn’t noticed you’d changed clothes. Are we going out?, hold up, I’ll get changed, back in a jiffy!” he said, slightly confused.

The Big Scoop - Tights in Tatters

But Bruce, NOW REVEALED AS HIS BATMAN ALTER EGO, DID NOT REPLY AND, WITH A KRYPTONITE STUN GUN CONCEALED UNDER THE TABLE, SEEMED READY TO DISABLE HIS SUPERHERO PAL.
The interview continued.

STEP TOO FAR

“I think for mankind’s sake, I’m going to hang up my cape for a tad and go on a grand tour this year, maybe Wales,” said Superman. “What d’ya think, Bats? Want to come?” he asked cheerily. “But you’ll need a Camping & Caravanning Club membership first – which reminds me, I’ve got to renew mine!”

THIS SUGGESTION WAS SIMPLY A STEP TOO FAR FOR THE DARK KNIGHT, WHO DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO USE THE KRYPTONITE. The gun was fired, but thankfully Superman was only stunned and the prospect of a deadly battle between superheroes was avoided.

Despite this – and thanks to QFT – Superman’s secret is out, and we suspect there’s more dirty superhero laundry out there, waiting to be washed and aired in public. This story isn’t over,

it’s just beginning…